Okay ladies so here it is... the big question....
What are you afraid of?
While you may feel like you are the only one dealing with a fear in your life, you are crazily mistaken. That's exactly how Satan would want you to feel. All alone, alienated and as if your the only one in the world dealing with a particular fear. How may times have you felt this way? Well it's time we lay these fears all out on the table so that you know your not alone. Voicing them doesn't make them come true or give Satan the power to "run with them". It simply allows you to admit that there is a fear and that is of course the first step to changing anything right?So here goes...
What I fear most... that in a split second I will make the wrong decision that will affect my family forever that I could have prevented by thinking things through or more clearly.
1 year ago this past Saturday, when E was born there was a traumatic moment during my last push during delivery. His heart rate dropped in the 50s and I could hear it in the Doctor's voice when the whole room screamed "PUSH", she was saying, "Jen this is your last push", in the most calming and peaceful voice. At that moment she laid him on my chest not breathing at this point. I didn't panic because her voice calmed me. I laid there looking at this big, beautiful being and waited for the cry, but it didn't come, he just laid there with good tone and grayish-pink skin color. As a nurse I knew he needed oxygen. The nurse designated for E quickly said, "I'm going to have to take him." Before she could say the word "take" I had already lifted him up off of my chest and said, "take him, take him now." He was still at this point the grayish-pink color and I knew that if I didn't give him to her immediately something could go wrong in an instant, no matter what was on "my birth plan". J, my husband was terrified. As they called for the NICU team he panicked inside, but held it together for me. I could only see his face and the back of the nurse working to get E to breath. I kept asking is he okay? and what is he doing? All of this happened in the matter of seconds but it was all in slow motion and seemed like 30 minutes. Praise God it only took a little oxygen over his nose to stimulate that first cry and oh how the entire room erupted in a sigh of relief and release of stress. At that point I knew everything was going to be okay and the NICU team didn't even have a chance to walk through the door of the room. Once they took his measurements, they wrapped my 8 lb. bundle of Promise in a warm blanket and laid him back on my chest. All I could say was, "thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus, with tears in my eyes to afraid to let go of them because of the trauma of the whole experience.
From that moment I have feared that something could go wrong with E that I have control over. The realization is, I have no control over E's life. God breathed life into his lungs at the moment he decided to. It's not something I could give him, but God had to do it. The same with other scenarios that have ran through my head. From SIDs to drowning it has flooded my mind at one point or another during his first year of life. It wasn't until last week when I was discussing this with a dear mentor of mine that I realized what I was doing.
She asked me if I trusted God with E's life? "Of course I do", was a hard reply to make, at least I hesitated at first response to her question. She then went on to ask if I believed that God created E? I know that without a doubt that He created him and not my husband and I. If it would have been up to us we would be celebrating his 2nd or 3rd birthday by now. But through the lesson of infertility we learned it was God's timing and not our own. She then asked if I believed that God had a plan for E's life. "Of course I do" flowed quickly out of my mouth. Then her reply was, "then you have to trust Him with E's life."
I knew all of this that she was telling me. I just needed someone to make me verbalize my fear. I didn't want Satan to hear me say it. But I was quickly reminded that He doesn't have access to E because I have covered E with a boundary that Satan can not touch. I "drew the line" in the sand as Jesus did and Satan can not cross it. It is the blood line that is unable to be penetrated. I have prayed over this child before he was born and all 365 days since for God' hand of protection around him and his angels guarding over him. Why was I having such a hard time trusting God for what I had asked Him for? It was fear of no control in the matter. It was the fear of "what if".
Now it's your turn...share your fear on our private 31 Main FB page. You will be surprised at how many responses you get from other women that have the same fear. Even if your not doing the study with us, feel free to join in on sharing your fear. Let's just get this off our chest and deal with is once and for all. I'm not saying it will not be a daily thing, because it certainly is, but we have His grace and mercy to help us through it.
Assignment for week 1:
Week 1: March 1st -10th
March 1st, Thur.: Read Introduction ....
"Did He Really Say That"
This is an extra video this week
to get us all started...
March 4th, Sun.: View Introduction video
(posted on the blog)
March 5th, Mon.: Read Chapter 1.....
"Sitting by the Well"
March 7th, Wed.: View Chapter 1 Video
(posted on the blog)
March 8th, Thur: Read Chapter 2...
"Foundations of the World"
March 9th, Fri.: View Chapter 2 Video
(posted on the blog)
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity,
but of power, love, and self-discipline."
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